Follow by Email

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Disappointed

Despite trying our hardest to keep up the charade, Matt's dad found out the sex of the baby.  I know everyone on the Smith side of the family worked so hard to keep the secret, and then he ended up finding out from someone else who didn't know he didn't want to know. I just feel...defeated, disappointed, and overall just bummed that this was the way he heard the news. If it wasn't going to be a surprise to him on the day of her birth, I at least would have wanted him to hear that his first grandchild would be a grand-daughter from one of the people in his life he cared about the most. It's such big news, and I feel like instead of being fully able to enjoy being excited about it, the moment was tainted by the fact that he found out the "wrong" way.  I know these things happen, and it's certainly not the end of the world, but I just wish I could erase what he heard and make it 3 more months!  I don't regret knowing that we're having a girl for myself, in fact I'm very happy that we know, but it would have been so great if he heard the way he wanted to, too. 

On a separate, although also somewhat disappointing note, I'm planning to drop my hours at work to 3 days/week in the next few weeks.  I will discuss it with Holly at our appointment tomorrow, and I have already talked to my manager and she's supportive of pretty much whatever I need to do.  That being said, I'm disappointed in that I feel like my body is letting me down a little bit. I went into this feeling so energetic and capable, and while I know my body is still doing the primary task of creating a safe haven for this little one to grow and develop, I wish that I was able to do what I thought I would be able to do, and work and Zumba and be fit and active all the way up to the end. I feel like you hear all these women who did X,Y, & Z right up to their due date, and I thought I'd be one of those women.  I planned on being one of those women. I know, our bodies go through changes that are 100% out of our control during pregnancy, but I still feel like somehow I should be able to push through and get to the end of this marathon like a champ, not sitting on my couch. Everyone (at work, at home, my friends...) keeps reminding me that my goal needs to be to help my body do what it needs to in order to grow this little one as long and as well as possible, and of course that's my priority, but it just feels a little bad to admit that I can't do all the things I planned to do and keep that goal my #1.  And so, as with every other challenge I've faced in life, I will adapt and do what I need to do, even if it's disappointing and even if I feel defeated, because it's a time limited thing and in a few (what will be VERY short weeks, I'm afraid) it will end, and I will be a mama. And that will be worth any cost :)

1 comment:

  1. You are an amazing Momma BECAUSE you are listening to your body. Chin up champion! You ARE amazing- every time I talk with you I am inspired - no joke!

    Sorry to hear how Matt's dad got the news...maybe it can be some sort of funny lead in for a speech at her wedding? How she has always wowed and managed to surprise Grandpa?
    Big Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete