The word carries differing connotations depending on the words we use surrounding it. This week, to me, it best describes the weight I sometimes feel is carried in my heart, just by loving my child so fiercely. Motherload. The load of the emotions I have for my family is so great, so beautiful, and yet so completely overwhelming that when the world around us seems so ugly and uncertain, the load of my love can almost feel crippling. I'm not a religious person, and I don't even think I have a strong belief in whatever I might call my own spirituality...I generally feel that in raising my daughter I want to teach her through my words, my actions, that we treat one another with grace, dignity, love, and we will see the same in return. But then. Then, these things are proven wrong, again and again. Bombings, shootings, accidental explosions. Innocent people, doing the things they feel to be fulfilling, productive, loving, taken too soon. And sometimes, it just feels like too much for my mama heart to hold, this notion that I can't protect my child purely with love. That even when I do the things I believe to teach her about good, the slinking shadow of hate may still show its face at any given moment.
I've read many bloggers' accounts and thoughts this week following the Boston Marathon bombings about parenthood in this world as we know it. I've been inspired, and brought to tears, and reminded that more than hate, there is love. And I have tried to let it prevail for myself this week, and not to let hate swirling around weigh down my heart. Last night after Norah was asleep, I laid my hand across her chest, feeling the strong, quick beats of her tiny heart. I was overcome by the feeling that from my own body came this perfect creature, so pure and full of promise, so very loved, and so vulnerable. How do we as mamas, carry on, knowing that these little beings we literally grew within our own bodies, are out in the world? I know this is no unique plight, but rather one that I'm sure has weighed on the hearts of mamas for all of our existence.
Mama friends, how do you carry on? What do you talk to your children about if they are old enough to ask questions when things like this happen? I feel like I'm needing my village right now, to share some of the Motherload.
Follow by Email
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
3 minutes...
That's all the time it took to "lose" my daughter last night. We were re-making the bed after the previous night's multiple rounds of having a pukey child sleep with us, and she was happily playing with her animals and having "tea" in her playroom right next to our room. I snapped the last pillowcase on and walked around the corner to get her for bed...and she wasn't there. I called her name, and no answer. I went to her room, not there in the chair or the bed (which is currently hiding under a "tent" of sheets strung from the ceiling). I walked out to the living room, dining room, kitchen. Calling her name. Looked under the table, in the lazy susan (where she sometimes retreats to sneak a snack or swipe sugar from the canister). Not there. I started to get a little concerned that I could not find her, and asked Matt to come help me look. The gate to downstairs was latched, but the front door was unlocked, having just let Lainey out one last time for the night. She still stood on the porch, looking out over the dark, rainy yard, probably sizing up what lovely thing she would like to roll in.
We did another, slightly more frantic, walk through upstairs, calling her name, looking again in all the same places. Bathrooms? No. Bedrooms? No. Kitchen, dining room, living room, front hall closet? No. Garage? Not that I could see. Suddenly, I had the sinking, awful panicky feeling that she had gone out the front door which I had left unlocked, into the dark night. I raced outside, and started calling her name, my voice loud and uncertain, my mind starting to conjure horrible images of the possible scenarios in which I suddenly felt I could very realistically find her.
I ran through the front yard, not seeing her, hoping if she'd gone to the road someone would have seen her before the unthinkable happened and come to knock on our door. Then, it hit me. The pond in the backyard. At dinner she was standing by the sliding glass door, looking out into the dusk and saying "Go see water". We said "No, not tonight. It's too chilly/wet/dark. It's bedtime". I thought for sure she must have wandered to the back to check it out. I raced down the wet grassy hill in bare feet, catching my shins on the prickly wild raspberry bushes growing along the treeline. Calling her name into the dull silent night, with nothing but raindrops answering back. I ran back up to the house, hoping Matt had found her. My mom was just getting home, pulling her car in the driveway, and Matt was at her car door, telling her we couldn't find Norah.
My heart started to sink with the feeling that it had been too long, too many minutes now, if she was in the water, or wandering into the dark, or in the road. Too many horror stories in my head, so many awful things imagined in those seconds. The instant guilt of failing as a parent, I didn't keep track of her, I was responsible for whatever I was going to find. I raced again to the pond's edge, and very nearly jumped in to start looking for her in the murky water, my throat seizing up with fear as I struggled to keep calling her name. Hearing my mom's frantic voice calling her name up and down our street out front.
And then, Matt's voice. "I've got her! She's OK". I nearly collapsed, and called out to my mom that he had her. And ran back up the hill to the shape of their two bodies silhouetted in the doorway, slipping on the railroad tie steps slick in the rain.
She'd gone downstairs, the gate must have been open after bringing up the clean bedding, and she closed it behind her. She hid under a blanket on the couch in the dark, not moving or answering the multiple times Matt ran down there to look for her. Then he glanced that way and thought to pull up the blanket, and there she was, happy as can be, no idea what we'd just gone through in the past 3 minutes.
I know that she is OK, and she was never really in any danger at all. I know that I'm not a bad parent, and kids wander and hide and play games all the time. But my heart did not stop pounding, and the tears did not stop falling, my hands shaking, for at least an hour. Knowing that this is exactly how accidents do happen. The unimaginable becomes real in a matter of seconds or minutes. The scenarios I saw flashing through my mind in those moments racing through the rain, they are so horrifying because they have been another parent's reality. I know I cannot blame myself or feel guilty for making the bed while my child played in the room next to me. But I do know that the experience makes me want to hold her closer, not let her out of my sight as often, safeguard our home even more...
I'm sure she won't mind if I just come to college with her, too.
We did another, slightly more frantic, walk through upstairs, calling her name, looking again in all the same places. Bathrooms? No. Bedrooms? No. Kitchen, dining room, living room, front hall closet? No. Garage? Not that I could see. Suddenly, I had the sinking, awful panicky feeling that she had gone out the front door which I had left unlocked, into the dark night. I raced outside, and started calling her name, my voice loud and uncertain, my mind starting to conjure horrible images of the possible scenarios in which I suddenly felt I could very realistically find her.
I ran through the front yard, not seeing her, hoping if she'd gone to the road someone would have seen her before the unthinkable happened and come to knock on our door. Then, it hit me. The pond in the backyard. At dinner she was standing by the sliding glass door, looking out into the dusk and saying "Go see water". We said "No, not tonight. It's too chilly/wet/dark. It's bedtime". I thought for sure she must have wandered to the back to check it out. I raced down the wet grassy hill in bare feet, catching my shins on the prickly wild raspberry bushes growing along the treeline. Calling her name into the dull silent night, with nothing but raindrops answering back. I ran back up to the house, hoping Matt had found her. My mom was just getting home, pulling her car in the driveway, and Matt was at her car door, telling her we couldn't find Norah.
My heart started to sink with the feeling that it had been too long, too many minutes now, if she was in the water, or wandering into the dark, or in the road. Too many horror stories in my head, so many awful things imagined in those seconds. The instant guilt of failing as a parent, I didn't keep track of her, I was responsible for whatever I was going to find. I raced again to the pond's edge, and very nearly jumped in to start looking for her in the murky water, my throat seizing up with fear as I struggled to keep calling her name. Hearing my mom's frantic voice calling her name up and down our street out front.
And then, Matt's voice. "I've got her! She's OK". I nearly collapsed, and called out to my mom that he had her. And ran back up the hill to the shape of their two bodies silhouetted in the doorway, slipping on the railroad tie steps slick in the rain.
She'd gone downstairs, the gate must have been open after bringing up the clean bedding, and she closed it behind her. She hid under a blanket on the couch in the dark, not moving or answering the multiple times Matt ran down there to look for her. Then he glanced that way and thought to pull up the blanket, and there she was, happy as can be, no idea what we'd just gone through in the past 3 minutes.
I know that she is OK, and she was never really in any danger at all. I know that I'm not a bad parent, and kids wander and hide and play games all the time. But my heart did not stop pounding, and the tears did not stop falling, my hands shaking, for at least an hour. Knowing that this is exactly how accidents do happen. The unimaginable becomes real in a matter of seconds or minutes. The scenarios I saw flashing through my mind in those moments racing through the rain, they are so horrifying because they have been another parent's reality. I know I cannot blame myself or feel guilty for making the bed while my child played in the room next to me. But I do know that the experience makes me want to hold her closer, not let her out of my sight as often, safeguard our home even more...
I'm sure she won't mind if I just come to college with her, too.
Monday, February 25, 2013
What's wrong with this picture?
It's 1:30 in the morning, and my child is asleep while I'm wide awake. There's just something so wrong about that, seeing as how I'm supposed to be up for work in a matter of hours. Needless to say, this is why people refer to having "a case of the Mondays"...
Anyway, while there hasn't been much to report lately, the biggest news is that I've once again been knocked flat with muscle spasms in my lower back. Nothing like ringing in my 30th year like a legit old lady. Last Saturday I was, I shit you not, throwing out a kleenex when my back just seized up and I could hardly breathe. I spent the better part of the next 4 days lying on the floor of the living room while Norah went between destroying the house and enjoying insane amounts of "screen time". I missed two days of work and let the rest of my responsibilities go to pot in the interim. We are now dealing with undoing the TV/ipad monster I created and trying to wind our way down from hideous tantrums about "watch agin, Einshines". Poor thing has a cold and terrible cough to go with it. Lovely :)
It's definitely still winter around here, and we're in for another winter storm this week it seems. Everyone in this house is starting to show signs of cabin fever (and that extra layer of winter padding we all seem to feel the need to acquire like we live in the arctic or something). We are yearning for the telltale signs that spring is around the corner - just a peek from a crocus shoot would probably improve my mood for days! What are your best tips for end-of-the-winter blahs, especially with kids/dogs?
Here's a quick peek at Norah from this weekend - she is growing up faster and faster every day I think...
Anyway, while there hasn't been much to report lately, the biggest news is that I've once again been knocked flat with muscle spasms in my lower back. Nothing like ringing in my 30th year like a legit old lady. Last Saturday I was, I shit you not, throwing out a kleenex when my back just seized up and I could hardly breathe. I spent the better part of the next 4 days lying on the floor of the living room while Norah went between destroying the house and enjoying insane amounts of "screen time". I missed two days of work and let the rest of my responsibilities go to pot in the interim. We are now dealing with undoing the TV/ipad monster I created and trying to wind our way down from hideous tantrums about "watch agin, Einshines". Poor thing has a cold and terrible cough to go with it. Lovely :)
It's definitely still winter around here, and we're in for another winter storm this week it seems. Everyone in this house is starting to show signs of cabin fever (and that extra layer of winter padding we all seem to feel the need to acquire like we live in the arctic or something). We are yearning for the telltale signs that spring is around the corner - just a peek from a crocus shoot would probably improve my mood for days! What are your best tips for end-of-the-winter blahs, especially with kids/dogs?
Here's a quick peek at Norah from this weekend - she is growing up faster and faster every day I think...
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Catching Up
Well, clearly since the last time I updated was in November and we are indeed all over the wretched gastro virus...it's time to catch up with more enjoyable news. There's way too much to include in one update, but I'll start with what's shakin' these days.
Norah is talking, talking, talking and is *thisclose* to really communicating in full sentences. She repeats anything we say, and new things are overheard every day around here. *Note to all, keep it clean up in here, as we've definitely heard "aw f&*^" once! I love toddler language, and some of my favorite things she says right now:
"Line Cones" - Lion King, which she says for just about every lion
"Okhay" - her preferred affirmative statement
"Comfy" - comforters, blankets, or just literally to mean gettin' comfy
"Laff" - giraffe
"Ah-shines" - Einsteins (one of her Disney Jr. shows is Little Einsteins)
"Sofa" - Sofia (from another Disney Jr. show)
"Pulair" - polar bear
"uh-her one" - other one, another, the other
"love you much" and "kank you much"
"geeses"
"Nakey"
"lil bit"
"Entent" - elephant
"Wah-wah twy" - Norah try
"pa-cakes" - pancakes or cupcakes
While it's so amazing and rewarding to watch her learn about the world and put language to the people and places and things she sees, it's also a little bit sad for me to suddenly realize that the adorable words she used to use for things are replaced by words that are closer and closer to the real ones. She no longer calls coffee "waff", or "ma-churs" for markers. Language acquisition is probably one of the most incredible things to witness so far in development. I'm amazed every day at how well she can communicate with us.
I was talking to a close friend last night who has a little boy who turned two in January, and we were noting how each child is just wired in such a unique and mysterious way. It just seems they have traits that are innate, no matter what we think we do to provide them with certain unbiased non-gendered play options. Norah mothers. She mamas her stuffed animals and her baby dolls. She diapers them and feeds them and snuggles them. She rocks and walks them. She covers them up with "comfies" and pats them to sleep. She "cooks" food and feeds us her tasty treats. She loves to make little stories up with her animal figurines and stage interactions (that only she knows what is going on). She plays house with the "little people" in the old plastic dollhouses my sister and I used to play with, placing the people in their rooms and driving them around in cars, and making them give each other kisses and hugs. My friend's son, well, he likes wheels and gears and trucks and diggers. He is obsessed with the blender, and wants to watch how it goes on and off, over and over. Of course, some of these things are learned about in their daily lives and picked up on from influences they are (maybe subtly) exposed to...but I do think that males and females are just wired differently, and it's incredible to see it from the very start.
Unbeknownst to me, she is aware of her shapes. My father in law discovered her sorting through a bag of foam shapes and putting them into piles by shape and color one day. She has been labeling colors accurately for at least a month or so, with the exception that yellow often gets called "pink" (which is funny, because for a long time as a kid I called yellow "lello-pink"). At the store yesterday, she said as I picked out some produce "Two red peppers! Gween pepper too!" She also surprised us by counting to ten recently...I tell you, this child hasn't stop amazing us yet!
She is strong-willed and opinionated, and isn't shy about expressing herself! She must choose her own outfit (ok, sometimes 3 outfits before getting it right) and usually it must include purple. She'd wear her "pa-cakes" shirt every day if we'd keep it clean (has cupcakes on a purple long sleeved shirt). She chooses what she wants to eat (has been "chicken-dip" for breakfast the past two days). I guess this is what the professionals refer to as a "spirited child", and we wouldn't have her any other way! She keeps us challenged, both in patience and intellectually, she is outrageously cute (of course we aren't biased), and she drives us crazy on a regular basis. We are so enjoying having the privilege of watching her grow, and recognizing that we are so in for it for the foreseeable future! Norah Annabel, you warm our hearts :)
Norah is talking, talking, talking and is *thisclose* to really communicating in full sentences. She repeats anything we say, and new things are overheard every day around here. *Note to all, keep it clean up in here, as we've definitely heard "aw f&*^" once! I love toddler language, and some of my favorite things she says right now:
"Line Cones" - Lion King, which she says for just about every lion
"Okhay" - her preferred affirmative statement
"Comfy" - comforters, blankets, or just literally to mean gettin' comfy
"Laff" - giraffe
"Ah-shines" - Einsteins (one of her Disney Jr. shows is Little Einsteins)
"Sofa" - Sofia (from another Disney Jr. show)
"Pulair" - polar bear
"uh-her one" - other one, another, the other
"love you much" and "kank you much"
"geeses"
"Nakey"
"lil bit"
"Entent" - elephant
"Wah-wah twy" - Norah try
"pa-cakes" - pancakes or cupcakes
 |
| typical, refusing to put on pants, she says "nakey minute" |
While it's so amazing and rewarding to watch her learn about the world and put language to the people and places and things she sees, it's also a little bit sad for me to suddenly realize that the adorable words she used to use for things are replaced by words that are closer and closer to the real ones. She no longer calls coffee "waff", or "ma-churs" for markers. Language acquisition is probably one of the most incredible things to witness so far in development. I'm amazed every day at how well she can communicate with us.
 |
| more dip! gwapes! |
 |
| loves yogurt, and chicken-dip (chicken with ranch) |
 |
| sorting mail in her mailbox |
 |
| DIY felt mail |
I was talking to a close friend last night who has a little boy who turned two in January, and we were noting how each child is just wired in such a unique and mysterious way. It just seems they have traits that are innate, no matter what we think we do to provide them with certain unbiased non-gendered play options. Norah mothers. She mamas her stuffed animals and her baby dolls. She diapers them and feeds them and snuggles them. She rocks and walks them. She covers them up with "comfies" and pats them to sleep. She "cooks" food and feeds us her tasty treats. She loves to make little stories up with her animal figurines and stage interactions (that only she knows what is going on). She plays house with the "little people" in the old plastic dollhouses my sister and I used to play with, placing the people in their rooms and driving them around in cars, and making them give each other kisses and hugs. My friend's son, well, he likes wheels and gears and trucks and diggers. He is obsessed with the blender, and wants to watch how it goes on and off, over and over. Of course, some of these things are learned about in their daily lives and picked up on from influences they are (maybe subtly) exposed to...but I do think that males and females are just wired differently, and it's incredible to see it from the very start.
 |
| Having some tea |
 |
| Making cookies |
 |
| Sorting shapes at the Hands On Museum |
She has been into trying out playdough a few times, but is still tempted to eat it quite often. This recent batch I made was a new recipe, and definitely NOT tasty (2 cups baking soda, 1 c cornstarch, 1.5 C water, plus I added maybe 3 T oil and some jello to color it). She does like the feel and squish of it, though.
She is strong-willed and opinionated, and isn't shy about expressing herself! She must choose her own outfit (ok, sometimes 3 outfits before getting it right) and usually it must include purple. She'd wear her "pa-cakes" shirt every day if we'd keep it clean (has cupcakes on a purple long sleeved shirt). She chooses what she wants to eat (has been "chicken-dip" for breakfast the past two days). I guess this is what the professionals refer to as a "spirited child", and we wouldn't have her any other way! She keeps us challenged, both in patience and intellectually, she is outrageously cute (of course we aren't biased), and she drives us crazy on a regular basis. We are so enjoying having the privilege of watching her grow, and recognizing that we are so in for it for the foreseeable future! Norah Annabel, you warm our hearts :)
 |
| home for a rare Mama-Norah day! |
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
and then there was the time we ALL got the stomach flu...
Yeah, that happened this weekend. Guess it's a rite of parenting passage, to have everyone in your home knocked out with the pukes at the same time. Norah started throwing up Thursday while home with my mom, and seemed better by the time we got home from work. We sent her to Pa's on Friday as usual and both of us went to work, and she was fine there all day. Then, 6 am on Saturday morning, BAM, I had the full blown GI bug. Just in time for Matt's mother's memorial service :(. Norah's GI tract got the lower end of the bug Saturday as well, and hasn't quit since Saturday, poor thing. She now runs away when we say it's time for a diaper change. This cloth diapering family has gone through a whole package of disposables this weekend, because I just could not bring myself to wash that many diapers in one day (seriously, at least 15 in 24 hours and still going). She and I stayed home and missed the memorial service for Carole (yeah, felt like wife of the century there). 3:30 am Sunday, it struck again, and Matt was down for the count all day. I was mostly on the mend by Sunday, so spent the day going from top to bottom of the house with a bottle of Lysol and Clorox wipes - at least I could be thankful for the last nearly 70 degree day of the year so I could open the windows and air the house out!
Whew...at least the adults in the house are back to normal today. Poor Norah is still off, but hopefully it will run its course in the next day or so. I'm ready to deal with a normal amount of bodily fluids again, thank you. And our washer and dryer will be grateful for the break in the heaps of laundry that piled up after all of this. Thankful for running water, Gatorade, and antibacterial Febreeze this week!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Cozy Farro Stew
I was home yesterday with a not-feeling-so-hot toddler, and with only one car which Matt had at work, I was stuck at home without a vehicle and my food options were somewhat limited. Sure, we have canned soup, tortillas and cheese for a quick "quesadilla", cereal and such...but I wanted something warm and cozy on a chilly November day (how can it be November already?). I started poking around the fridge and cupboards to see what we had that I could use to create something. Didn't have ground turkey, beans or canned tomatoes for chili. Didn't have thawed chicken for chicken noodle soup. But, I scrounged up some habanero green chili chicken sausage that had to be cooked like, today, and found some farro (which is an Italian grain with a size and texture similar to barley, but with a nuttier flavor) and that jump started this delicious pot of hearty fall stew! I will be making this again for sure! Also, if I'd had kale instead of spinach, I would have used that as I prefer the texture of kale in soups over the wilty spinach, but I wrote it as I made it with what I had on hand, so there you go.
Farro Stew with Chicken Sausage and Spinach
- Ingredients:
- 4 tablespoons olive oil
- 1 medium white onion, diced
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- 4 chicken sausage links, casings removed (I had these on hand)
- 1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme
- 1 tablespoon chopped fresh marjoram
- 6 cups chicken stock (homemade is best - I had plenty in the freezer)
- 2 large carrots, diced
- 3 stalks celery, diced
- 1 cup farro (could substitute pearled barley but I prefer the nuttiness of farro)
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 1 Bay leaf
- 1/4 t. celery seed
- about 3 large handfuls of baby spinach leaves, washed (or 1 bunch of kale, stems removed and leaves torn into bite sized pieces)
- 1 14-ounce can diced tomatoes (I had some fresh frozen tomatoes from this summer to use up, so just substituted those)
- Grated Parmesan cheese for serving
- 1. Heat 2 T olive oil in dutch oven over medium heat. Add onion and cook until soft and translucent, about 4-5 minutes. Turn heat down slightly and add garlic, stirring constantly to avoid burning and cook until garlic becomes fragrant, about 1 min.
- 2. While onions are cooking, in a separate pan, heat 2 T olive oil and crumble sausage links into small pieces, cooking until browned over medium heat.
- 3. To dutch oven, add carrots, celery, farro, sausage, all herbs and seasonings, tomatoes and stock. Bring to a boil then turn heat down to simmer for 35-40 minutes, covered, until farro is cooked to a slightly chewy texture, stirring occasionally.
- 4. Add spinach and stir to wilt into stew. Serve with grated fresh Parmesan cheese.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sugar Rush - Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween everyone! Norah's first Trick-or-Treating experience was a total success! After a 5 minute meltdown about putting on the tutu, she was bribed with chocolate and ready to head out! Our version of Olivia the Pig (which is her current obsession, books, movie, dolls, you name it, Olivia is where it's AT!):
She rode in the stroller for a few streets, and wouldn't say Trick Or Treat at any houses, but once she got the hang of it girlfriend went running from house to house clutching shiny wrapped candy in each little mittened paw. She said Thank You to everyone, and loved getting to sneak in a "pat-pat" to anyone's dogs who would allow it!
She had a preview of what was to come last Friday when Pinckney hosted a Spooktacular in the Park with "trunk or treating", and we went down to give the whole costume thing a trial run. She loved it!
 |
| Not so sure about going in the straw maze, but watching other kids run was fun too |
 |
| Enjoying some "pop pop" and having a little rest |
 |
| "mmm nummy!" |
I am just loving seeing the experiences of childhood from the side of being her mama lately. I could not stop smiling tonight as we walked around my own childhood neighborhood and knocked on the same doors and stood on the same porches to say trick-or-treat to some of the same neighbors (and many new ones) that I did growing up. Watching my girl fly from lawn to lawn and smile with glee at the prospect of a totally new experience like Trick-or-Treating is one of the things I imagined all those years before being her mama, and it is all better than I could have ever anticipated. I hope to craft a childhood experience for her that is carefree, happy, safe, and imaginative. A space that when she looks back from her own view as a mama someday she will remember with glowing memories and smile her own ear to ear grin reliving.
I hope you all had a happy Halloween! This is one mama who is so excited for all of the holiday festivities to come in the next 2 months! Can't wait to create more traditions and memories with our girl!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)