Sleep Progress, and Some Thoughts on Weaning

Most of you who know us, or read this blog at all, know that Norah has never been a super sleeper. It was expected and reasonable in the early months when she was up nursing several times a night. I even expected to wake up and nurse once or maaaaybe twice for the length of time I nursed her, which I had thought would be at least until she was 12 months, and it was seeming like it would probably be more like 18 months by the time I was really ready to wean her myself.


Well...sister had other plans. For the past few months we've been struggling to get her to spend more of the night in her own crib, because we had become increasingly aware that she just wasn't sleeping well between us anymore. We loved (still do!) having her there with us at night, but we started to realize that none of us was getting good sleep together anymore. She tossed, she turned, she woke and "nursed" which usually ended with biting me, she woke up fully sometimes and wanted to play, pinch faces/arms, kicked us in the sides, rolled about and generally wreaked havoc on our peaceful (ha) sleeping space.  Needless to say, the nights were the opposite of restful, for all three of us.

So, we started to reign in the bedtime routine, stuck to a bedtime give or take 20 minutes or so, and the beginning stretch of the night was getting better. But then, the waking started. She would wake anywhere from 2-4 times between 11 PM and 5 AM, and it was time to make some more changes.

One night last week, after being asleep only about 2 hours, she woke up around 10:30 and just would.not.fall.back.asleep. We rocked, we sang songs, we read a book, we swayed back and forth, Matt took over and we thought maybe she had a tummy ache/earache/teething...so we brought her into our bed to cuddle and hopefully sleep. She cried and carried on there, too, and then, stopped, looked back and forth between us, as if to see if we were paying attention, and started up again! We realized that she was absolutely playing us, and it was decided that it was time to dig in our heels and try to let her "cry it out".

Now, you all probably know how much I HATED the idea of letting her cry. It felt against all of the knowledge I have about child development, attachment, nighttime parenting, and mama intuition, and yet, I felt as though all of the things that did feel right just were not working for Norah. So, Matt and I looked each other in the eyes, said we were in it together, and would stick it out, and that we loved each other and loved her and this was the right thing to do. I took her to her crib, laid her down with a hug and kiss, and went to sit in the chair in her room while she worked it out.

And. She. Screamed. and Screamed. I occasionally reminded her that I was there, I loved her, and would try to pat her or give her hugs, but she was ever-loving pissed and none of my soothing helped any at that point. For an hour and 15 minutes, she screamed, until she dissolved into a pathetic lump of hiccuping exhaustion in the corner of her crib. That was the moment in the whole debacle when I finally cried, because I felt so terrible that I had just let her go through that in order to fall asleep.  I tiptoed out of the room, and she slept from about midnight until 3 am, and then we started the whole thing all over. It was a long night.

But the next night went slightly better, and the night after that was better still. The past 3 nights, she has slept in her own crib without any wake-ups from 8ish-5ish! I'd call that progress! There are still occasionally times she will wake up and cry out once or twice, but she settles herself quickly and is out again before we would even go in.  As much as I hate that this was the way we had to do it and I still hate any minutes she has to cry without us there comforting her, her sleep and ours is so much better now than it has ever been.

The other thing is that just prior to this decision, Norah weaned herself entirely. She just stopped wanting to nurse, during the day, during the night, at bedtime. If I offered, she bit me, and hard. So, I stopped offering unless she was practically asleep, and tried to continue pumping, but that was pretty pointless pretty quickly.  I even tried offering after a few days without, and she couldn't have been bothered to even consider it! It was really a lot harder on me to be done than I had anticipated, and maybe it's because she made the decision for herself. It wasn't something I chose to do when I thought we were both ready. I'm glad she did it herself, because I'm sure it was MUCH easier (physically, at least) that way, but a little part of me stings with the notion that my baby no longer needs me in that very physical way anymore.  I had intended to nurse her until at least her first birthday, but we are pretty darn close and I know that she has benefitted from every day we did nurse.  Still, those pangs of "my baby, where have you gone?" still rise up and bite me more often than I thought they would.  I love every minute of watching her grow, but it's so hard to let go of those things that signify babyhood, too. And in fact, just as I am writing this, I read this post, which tells me I am far from alone with feeling this way, so there's that.

So, that's where we are with sleep.  I'm hoping that things stay stable here for a little while, but I know that there is always going to be something that throws things off just as soon as you strike a rhythm with kids, so I won't get toooo comfortable here just yet ;)

Wee bit of Mama Guilt

This mama is seriously sleep deprived, and sleep hunger a desperate woman makes.  I "caved" a few nights ago and decided to try giving Norah a small (4 oz) bottle of formula right before bed and then topping her off by nursing to sleep in an attempt to fill that baby belly enough to hold her over for a longer stretch at night. The first night, it seemed to work, and unless I am so ridiculously out of it that I don't remember waking up between 12:30 and 5 AM, my child slept for 4.5 hours without nursing. To anyone used to sleeping all night long, this probably sounds ridiculous. But, for someone accustomed to waking as often as every 45 minutes some nights, this was glorious. Night two, not really so great (up at 2:30 and 5 and up for the day about 6:45) but I have decided to keep trying the formula for a week and see if it makes any difference in breaking some of her less desirable sleeping habits at all. If it doesn't, maybe I'll put it aside and use it later.  But for the love, why do I feel so guilty for even using it at all?

The morning after I gave her the first bottle of formula, I couldn't help but feel like I had just given my baby the equivalent of sugar-laden cereal or ice cream before bed or something (not that I haven't regularly had both of those things myself, but that's neither here nor there, right?).  I went to one of my trusted breastfeeding resources online, www.kellymom.com for some advice about choosing the best kind of formula if and when one determines that they will supplement, and I'm not kidding the articles on there were SO anti-formula that I truly felt as if I had betrayed my child by letting her have anything but breastmilk, especially when I am not having supply issues or health issues, or any other "issues" related to actually feeding her enough calories for her to thrive. The issues I have are purely selfish - I need more sleep. Now, I understand, that's a kind of selfishness that at this point, 8 months later, that is acceptable to acknowledge and take care of, but when I looked at the ingredient lists on the various types of formulas (and not to mention the price tag on the organic varieties!) I felt nothing but guilt and shame about even considering it.

I know that our society is rightfully putting more emphasis on "breast is best" and the health benefits for both mom and baby from breastfeeding for a minimum of the first year of life. But I also know that there are many reasons why people choose (or need) to use formula and these babies grow and thrive and develop into healthy, smart, well adjusted kids just like kids who were breastfed until they could cut their own meat and learn to read.  I have conversations with parents at the hospital almost every week about cutting themselves some slack when their children medically require supplemental feedings in order to grow.  Logically, I understand that there is no reason that children who have any amount of formula suffer because of it. But why, oh why, when I stood in the Kroger self-scan checkout did I want to turn the can of Earth's Best Organic Formula around and pretend it was a can of coffee?  Not only did I feel publicly ashamed to be buying formula at all (albeit organic, 2x as expensive as run of the mill Similac or Enfamil), but I felt a personal sense of failing my child, even if in the smallest way.  Maybe it's just the exhaustion. Maybe it's living in "crunchy" Ann Arbor and reading too many articles like "One Bottle of Formula Won't Hurt; Or Will It?" that has planted the tiny seed of guilt in the back of my mind.  But nonetheless, I am struggling with balancing my desire to get just a few more blessed moments of sleep and doing what is best for my child. I guess I'm not really all that different from any other mother in the history of mothers, then, am I?

Time to take this twitching eyelid of mine to bed while the child sleeps through her formula-induced dream cycle, hopefully for the next few hours. Wish us all a quiet night :)

Norah Grows: 8 Months

Little Miss, you were 8 Months old on Christmas Day this year! What a special day to celebrate :) We are in the midst of moving into our condo, and so Christmas kind of snuck up on us this year, but we made it special and festive even if by last minute preparations! 

You loved scoping out the scene from Santa on Christmas morning - stocking, gifts in paper, gifts in bags, gifts in boxes...so much to look at and feel and crinkle and taste! You pretty much put everything in your mouth lately, and you got a Christmas tooth out of the deal this year! Third tooth to come in, your top left incisor, and you've been having more trouble with this one than you did with the bottom two.  

You cruise around furniture like a pro now, and there is no holding you back anymore!  If there is something you want, you cruise/crawl/shimmy your little booty over there at top speed.  You are so curious, and I think you have a bit of a mischievous streak as well! When one of us tells you no, you look over your shoulder, grin, and boogie even faster towards the forbidden object! 

You love bathtime, and this year bath toys seemed to be the big hit.  You got a set of stacking cups which are fun to play with in or out of the tub! 

You are learning so much about the things around you, and it's almost like we can watch the wheels in your head turning as you figure out what things do and how they fit together.  You also have a pretty strong sense of "object permanence" now, and you know when something is out of sight but you still want it.  Lainey's dog bowl is one example...you know you like to play in the water and try to sample her food (ick!) and even if we move you around the corner and out of sight, you cruise your little self right back if you want to! 

Christmas night we went to Grandma's house, and boy did you get spoiled! You weren't even sure what to make of all the things that were for you! You love your little piano and all the cute, cute clothes from your Grandma! 

You are babbling and "talking" more and more, and sometimes it's really starting to sound like you are saying "Mama" and "Dada".  I can't wait until we know clearly that you are using words to communicate with us, but I am not wishing away your babyhood just to get there sooner! 

Your biggest trouble right now is your night time sleep pattern. You are still in bed with us, and I love co-sleeping so much more than I ever would have imagined.  If someone had told me before you were born that I'd have you in our bed for your first year, I would have laughed and told them they were crazy.  But, that's where you sleep, and for you it works wonderfully.  The only problem with the arrangement is that you think being right next to mama means an all night, all you can eat buffet for nursing, and some nights you wake almost every hour to nurse. This is resulting in a very sleep deprived, exhausted mama. I have finally reached a breaking point, and we are starting to reign in your bedtime routine and try to "take back the night" so that we can all get a little more sleep.  I'm nowhere near ready to wean you completely, but I'm also aware that you are not nursing for satiety but rather for comfort many of the times you wake at night, and those are the feedings I'm looking to cut back on.  I'll update with progress if we see any soon! I'm reading the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and so far, I find it very much in line with my thoughts on raising you, so I'm hopeful that some of the ideas from the book will help us improve our night times. 

You got to meet your Aunty Abby this holiday, and I'm so glad that she could finally hold you! She was here the week before you were born, and we were all hoping you would decide to arrive before she had to leave, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, 8 months later, she finally got to see you in person! Can't wait for her to be a part of your life growing up!

Beauty, I am so in love with you and with being your mama. I cannot believe you will be a year old in 4 months. I am just enjoying the process of watching you grow and develop, and I know we are so lucky to have you and be able to say that you are ours.  I love you, Boo! 

Musings on baby led feeding

Now that we're a month away from Norah's 6 month old mark, I figured it was time to start researching how we want to introduce solid foods when the time arrives.  All along I've wanted her to be exclusively breastfed until at least 6 months, and after that take a "baby led" approach to introducing the next stage of foods. But I wasn't totally sure what that really meant, and how it might look for us.  Being a bit of a planner, I didn't want the time to sneak up on me and be unprepared for what to feed her! Ha, I know, it's not like the day she turns 6 months old she will be pounding her fists on the table and demanding a bowl of rice cereal or she'll starve; I obviously can (and will) continue to breastfeed her while we figure this out.  I'm planning to still primarily nurse her/give her expressed breastmilk in bottles as her main source of nutrition until 12 months, but I know that solids will also make up a necessary part of her diet by then too.

Much of the research I've found indicates that the longer you delay feeding certain foods, the less likely you are to have a child develop food allergies. Of course, some things are unavoidable, but for those high allergen foods (cow's milk, eggs, peanuts/tree nuts, wheat, and soy), delaying at least until 9-12 months seems preferable, and later for peanuts, egg whites, and cow's milk if possible. It scares me to think of dealing with potentially fatal food allergies, and while I know many many families manage their children's allergies with great care and they do fine, it's something I'd rather be able to avoid if we can.

There are so many opinions about what to feed a baby, when to start, how to introduce flavors so that your child's palate develops appropriately, etc, and as with pretty much everything else related to raising a human being, people come at it from an emotionally connected stance that is often quite powerful.  People will inevitably tell you that you're making the wrong choices, that what they did with their little ones worked perfectly and so what other way could there be?  Human beings are, by nature, emotionally influenced and connected, and such a large part of our social and emotional connections are centered around food. The preparation and planning of meals, the aromas and sights associated with favorite foods and ingredients, the memories triggered by even the thought of a particular home cooked meal.  Anyone who knows me knows this is true to the core of my being, and food is such an important part of the way I nurture those around me, and hopefully my children will know that as well.  So of course, the thought of introducing my child to the world of food beyond breastmilk is exciting!

That being said, I also cherish my time nursing Norah, so much more now that I'm back to work and it offers me precious time to slow down and connect with my baby while my body nourishes hers.  I'm hopeful that with a "baby led" approach, introducing solids will not lead to weaning before I'm ready.  I've never been someone who plans to nurse into the "extended nursing" territory, but I do want to get her solidly over the 12 month mark before weaning completely. KellyMom has some great articles about the subject, and I'm finding that there are lots of resources and support for mamas who feel the same way.  Here's to diving in and making a plan for what to feed my baby next! The world is ever changing for an infant in the first year of life, and it's just amazing :)