3 minutes...

That's all the time it took to "lose" my daughter last night. We were re-making the bed after the previous night's multiple rounds of having a pukey child sleep with us, and she was happily playing with her animals and having "tea" in her playroom right next to our room. I snapped the last pillowcase on and walked around the corner to get her for bed...and she wasn't there. I called her name, and no answer. I went to her room, not there in the chair or the bed (which is currently hiding under a "tent" of sheets strung from the ceiling). I walked out to the living room, dining room, kitchen. Calling her name. Looked under the table, in the lazy susan (where she sometimes retreats to sneak a snack or swipe sugar from the canister). Not there. I started to get a little concerned that I could not find her, and asked Matt to come help me look. The gate to downstairs was latched, but the front door was unlocked, having just let Lainey out one last time for the night. She still stood on the porch, looking out over the dark, rainy yard, probably sizing up what lovely thing she would like to roll in.

We did another, slightly more frantic, walk through upstairs, calling her name, looking again in all the same places. Bathrooms? No. Bedrooms? No. Kitchen, dining room, living room, front hall closet? No. Garage? Not that I could see. Suddenly, I had the sinking, awful panicky feeling that she had gone out the front door which I had left unlocked, into the dark night. I raced outside, and started calling her name, my voice loud and uncertain, my mind starting to conjure horrible images of the possible scenarios in which I suddenly felt I could very realistically find her.

I ran through the front yard, not seeing her, hoping if she'd gone to the road someone would have seen her before the unthinkable happened and come to knock on our door. Then, it hit me. The pond in the backyard.  At dinner she was standing by the sliding glass door, looking out into the dusk and saying "Go see water". We said "No, not tonight. It's too chilly/wet/dark. It's bedtime". I thought for sure she must have wandered to the back to check it out. I raced down the wet grassy hill in bare feet, catching my shins on the prickly wild raspberry bushes growing along the treeline. Calling her name into the dull silent night, with nothing but raindrops answering back. I ran back up to the house, hoping Matt had found her. My mom was just getting home, pulling her car in the driveway, and Matt was at her car door, telling her we couldn't find Norah.

My heart started to sink with the feeling that it had been too long, too many minutes now, if she was in the water, or wandering into the dark, or in the road. Too many horror stories in my head, so many awful things imagined in those seconds. The instant guilt of failing as a parent, I didn't keep track of her, I was responsible for whatever I was going to find. I raced again to the pond's edge, and very nearly jumped in to start looking for her in the murky water, my throat seizing up with fear as I struggled to keep calling her name. Hearing my mom's frantic voice calling her name up and down our street out front.

And then, Matt's voice. "I've got her! She's OK".  I nearly collapsed, and called out to my mom that he had her. And ran back up the hill to the shape of their two bodies silhouetted in the doorway, slipping on the railroad tie steps slick in the rain.

She'd gone downstairs, the gate must have been open after bringing up the clean bedding, and she closed it behind her. She hid under a blanket on the couch in the dark, not moving or answering the multiple times Matt ran down there to look for her. Then he glanced that way and thought to pull up the blanket, and there she was, happy as can be, no idea what we'd just gone through in the past 3 minutes.

I know that she is OK, and she was never really in any danger at all. I know that I'm not a bad parent, and kids wander and hide and play games all the time. But my heart did not stop pounding, and the tears did not stop falling, my hands shaking, for at least an hour.  Knowing that this is exactly how accidents do happen. The unimaginable becomes real in a matter of seconds or minutes. The scenarios I saw flashing through my mind in those moments racing through the rain, they are so horrifying because they have been another parent's reality. I know I cannot blame myself or feel guilty for making the bed while my child played in the room next to me. But I do know that the experience makes me want to hold her closer, not let her out of my sight as often, safeguard our home even more...

I'm sure she won't mind if I just come to college with her, too.

Sometimes, this gig is just...hard.

I read a parenting column today on phases and moments (that I wish I had written myself), and it's had me thinking a lot about how challenging these phases of raising a toddler can be. While the article made me laugh along with her and tear up towards the end, it also reminded me that when you are smack in the middle of one of the OMGwhen-will-it-end phases, it can be grindingly difficult going. We are rapidly cycling between a few of the choice phases, including the:  

"I'm-going-to-put-everything-in-my-mouth-including-dead-bugs-and-stale-Cheerios-buried-in-my-car seat phase" and the "I'm-going-to-take-away-all-your-"me"-time-by-requiring-your-assistance-for-three-hours-to-go-to-sleep-every-night-for-a-month phase", followed by the "I-will-wake-up-at-6am-demanding-oatmeal-even-though-I-didn't-fall-asleep-until-11pm phase".  Also, the "I-will-beg-you-to-read-the-same-book-to-me-12-times-a-day phase" and a combination of "I-will-run-into-everything-covering-myself-with-bruises-making-you-worry-that-someone-is-going-to-call-Child-Services-on-you phase" and the "I-will-climb-everything phase".

Exhibit A

Norah is a challenge many days lately. She has boundless energy and the willfulness of a bull.  She is curious and physically strong and capable enough of exploring just about anything she sets her mind to. She can also be so charming and gentle and I can already tell that she has the capacity for compassion in the way she treats the dog and her "babies" and each of us (when she wants to).  All of these are characteristics that not only make her unique but will become the foundation of the personality she will develop as she becomes her own person. I want to spend more time capturing the moments and paying attention to the tiniest glimpses of who she is now, while she's still part baby yet rapidly turning into an independent soul. But seriously, in the midst of the above combination of OMGPhase, sometimes it's just really, really hard to stop and appreciate all of the Moments, ya know?

Exhibit B

Matt and I have always tried to be a solid front when it comes to parenting ideals and decisions. We try to take the same stance as often as possible, and if we don't agree we at least try to back the other one up in the midst of decision making and follow-through, and talk about it later.  But what no one in parenting magazines and all the shiny front page articles really seems to tell you, is that it is really, really hard to be the adults in the equation sometimes. Those middle of the night fights over how to soothe a sick and crying baby really don't bring out the best in either of you.  Those teeny silly battles that really aren't the hill to die on, but still hang over your head as you're falling asleep taking stock of the day and make you question if you're the one getting it wrong.  They weigh on me.  They challenge me to be better tomorrow, for her, for him. For me.

There are many, many moments (OK, days, phases even) when I worry that I'm failing her somehow, even in the tiniest ways. I want to be there for her, to provide her with the kind of blissful childhood I think everyone deserves. I don't want my worries to be hers, ever. In short, I want to protect her from adulthood and its realities when they aren't always rosy. And that, I think, is the hardest part about this gig, parenting...that I can't protect her from reality.  Parenting has been the biggest reality check in all my life. And sometimes, the moments are hard to swallow.   And sometimes, they are purely awesome.

Do the Potty Dance

Well, I know it's been too long since I've posted any updates on Miss Norah, but I felt compelled to post tonight because she accomplished a major milestone this evening. Last weekend we bought her a little potty seat to play with and get used to, with no expectations or pressure that she would actually use it for months. But, as soon as I take off her diaper at certain times (before/after nap, bath) I know that if I let her run nakey she will usually take off and pee somewhere (usually on the carpet, go figure) within a minute or two. Why not see if she will sit on the potty then, at those key times, when I can anticipate that she might actually go there? Well, that's just what she did tonight! I asked her if she wanted to sit on her potty, and not 15 seconds later she peed in the potty for the very first time! I wanted to clap and sing, but I didn't want to freak her out so much that it will be the last time too, so I somewhat calmly told her Great Job and High Five! and she smiled and truly seemed proud of herself. My mama heart swooned and probably grew a size or two. Who knew that celebrating putting some pee in a plastic bucket would elicit such a tender response?  I also know that I will not be that mama who posts Facebook updates regarding potty training trials and errors...but I had to post somewhere and this is it! So you, my lucky readers whoever you are, get to hear a proud mama brag on about her awesome child who awesomely did what no other almost-14-month-old child has ever done before! I kid, I kid. But I am proud of her anyway :)

As long as I'm doing a little update, I will also just say that she is starting to be more verbal, which is really helpful for all of us, because she is getting really frustrated when she knows what she wants but WE don't understand...resulting in lots of whining, meltdowns, some pinching/scratching/biting, and general crankiness had by all.  Her vocabulary now includes: mama, daddy, puppy, baby, hi, up, kitty, "uh huh", ball, woof, sit, hot, hat, and she uses baby signs for "more", "all done", and "eat".  We are trying to get her to use the signs for "help" and "please" but those haven't quite taken off yet. She does know and respond when we sign "sit down", "no", and "stop"  (well, that is if she wants to respond appropriately!).  And, see - she is learning to spell already, too!

Running after Lainey at Mill Pond Park in Saline

Sampling homemade watermelon blueberry popsicles

I've been getting back into sewing again, and of course my current obsession is thinking of sweet things to sew for her. I found a super easy tutorial for pillowcase dresses here, and modified it based on the fabric I had on hand. I had some scraps left from the project we did for Molly's shower, so I spent probably $4 on this dress total. In about an hour and a half, I had a dress! I didn't take step by step photos, but maybe next time I will since I know more what I'm doing now.  I think it turned out pretty cute, but I do have a pretty good lookin' model.

Finally figured out wearing her own sunglasses is pretty cool 

Check it. 

Wearing her dress

I know, I still have a backlog of posts to type up, but it's not happening tonight. Hope you're all getting through the early summer heat wave!

Our town

Yesterday, Matt and I took Norah all over downtown Ann Arbor for the morning. We both kept remarking how much we enjoyed spending time in this town, and how much Norah seemed to be enjoying doing all of the things that we did throughout the day too.  I hope that someday, we can find a home that fits us and we can live right in the middle of the place we both agree feels like home.

We started with brunch at Cafe Zola, our favorite place to have a great cup of coffee, wonderful breakfast, and one of the coolest places to go for atmosphere. We've been there enough that our server asked us why it had been awhile since we'd been in, and she was really being entertained by Norah, who was being completely charming. She consumed most of my berry smoothie, a good portion of my lemon poppyseed coffee cake, and wasn't about to let any bacon go waste. That's my girl.

Then, we walked down Main Street and checked out some of our favorite shops, and read the menus on the doors of several restaurants we've never tried. It seems that the food scene is always evolving in this town, and every few weeks there are new restaurants or things to try. We browsed through Mark's Carts down Washington St., and having a "street food" scene in Ann Arbor is something new and very cool.  Lots of variety packed into a small area with 7 or 8 food vendors who set up shop on the weekends.  I'll say there is a new list of food items I need to sample from there alone! Umm, Grilled Cheese with 3 types of cheese and tomato and bacon, for $7? Yes please :) 

The sign outside of Grange, a restaurant we have yet to try, but sounds delicious! 

 Norah knows her way around the Ann Arbor Public Library better than I do, since she and Daddy go there for story time and play groups on Mondays a lot of weeks. We checked out all of her favorite places there, and she showed me around. 

Little girl was all flair in her dress and pink shoes, but she was all about playing with the trucks and tractors in the play space. 

Plotting her next move, scoping out the fish tank! 

Peeling books off the shelves and running through the aisles with wild abandon...I hope she always feels this excited about reading!

Stopping to do some coloring and tracing shapes

Then we stopped in at Robot Supply and Repair, which is a cool shop with toys geared towards robotics, but also and primarily is a place for creative writing workshops for youth, tutoring, field trips about storytelling and bookmaking, and best of all many of their programs and activities are free of charge to the public. Seriously, cool place to check out: http://www.826michigan.org/.   

The window front of Kilwin's Ice Cream Parlor is always filled with freshly made caramel apples and other candy confections. So tempting, but we only stopped for a picture this time. Maybe when Norah has a few more teeth :)  

We wandered through Downtown Home and Garden, one of the Ann Arbor shops I forget how much I adore until I find myself in there every once in a while. They have fresh flowers and garden starters, seed packets and lawn tools, patio furniture and gardening supplies.  On the other side of the store, they carry kitchenwares and unique finds for the home, and it's always fun to browse around and see what is new. 

We went to the Farmer's Market, but mostly they had flowers and potted garden starters this week, which we aren't in the market for this year in our rental condo. We did talk a lot about what we would like to do with a garden when have property of our own, and what we would grow. I think, this year we are going to try a half share of a CSA through Tantre Farms, and see what we think of eating seasonally and locally this summer. My goal is to try not to purchase much in the way of other produce from the grocery store, but use whatever comes to us in our weekly box from the farm. It could be interesting, and I'll certainly post updates here with the things we get and what we decide to make with them! 

Norah loved hanging out with Mama and Daddy all day and was charming and sweet for the entire morning out! 

As soon as we were home, sister was cashed out. I ended up snuggling with her in our bed instead of putting her in her own crib, because I just wasn't ready to end the wonderful morning spent together as a family. I love days like this, doing nothing much but making memories and sharing "Our Town" with our daughter. Many more to come, little miss!

The Birthday Girl

Well, Miss Norah certainly enjoyed herself all week long during her Birthday Week! She was able to taste delicious treats like cake and frosting and ice cream. She got adorable new outfits and fun new toys to play with. Just the way a first birthday should be.  And on the day we chose to celebrate her birthday, she knew the show was all about her!

Photo by Scott Benz

It started with a birthday tutu, which she adored and has continued to wear for dress up all week :

Mama made the tutu for her to match her #1 onesie, and I'll probably post a tutorial for the steps in a future post. Super easy, inexpensive and a no-sew project! 

Her cake was something that was important to me to be special, made from scratch and as beautiful as it was delicious. I decided to go with a ruffled frosting technique, because I thought it was girly, festive, and simple enough to do, but would have a gorgeous effect. I used an Italian Buttercream frosting (Recipe here) and a chocolate cake recipe I found online (here). It was delicious, and the Birthday Girl thought so, too! Norah got her very own mini cake, which I made using a round cutter and cut two layers from one pan of cake, and frosted just like the big one. I used striped paper straws to hang the cake banner, which was a free printable found here. The banner said "Norah is 1" but the letters were white on pastel paper, which didn't show up very clearly in photos. 

I used baby wooden blocks scattered around the table for decoration. I had an awesome flash card style banner all ready to hang up, and didn't bring anything with me to hang it on the wall...so it never made it up :( 

I had food labels for all of the items written out on ruled paper like the Aa is for Animal Crackers, but again, a detail that didn't really get put together, and didn't get photographed at all. Oh well! 

Photo Courtesy of Scott Benz

Photo courtesy of Scott Benz

On the main table, I used these large alphabet cards and spelled out Norah, and scattered alphabet beads on the table as confetti. The food labels at least made it this far!

Party Girl loved opening gifts, of course! She was so excited for herself that she kept clapping and getting up to run around with a streamer of ribbons and bows! 

Photo by Scott Benz

Photo by Scott Benz

At the end of the day, without a nap and after all the craziness of opening and playing with gifts, the sugar high and low of her very first cake, and the excitement of seeing so many people in one place, Miss Norah was tired and ready to crash. 

Photo by Scott Benz

Even though I didn't get to a bunch of the details that I planned...which was disappointing to me on some level, Norah loved her day more than I could have imagined and more than any of the little details would have mattered to her anyway. I wish I had more time to get everything done the way I had pictured in my head, but at the end of the day, it was a great time and the birthday baby was happy, and that is all a mama can ask for. 

Norah Grows: 12 Months

My baby, you are no longer the scrunchy, pudgy little newborn that I brought home one year ago, but a long, lean, strong toddler with a will and the determination to follow it.  You no longer have the cry that every single parent knows belongs to a brand new human being, but it has been replaced by words and laughter, shrieks and chatter.  You no longer need your mama to nurse you around the clock, but you still need me for lots of other things, and for that I love you even more.  We have put away your rattles, your bouncer, your swing, and have replaced them with musical instruments you pick up and play, with accessories like purses and necklaces and toy cell phones and keys. In just 12 months, 365 days, one short year that felt like a hiccup in time, you have changed immeasurably from a completely helpless newborn infant to a much more independent, strong-willed, amusing little lady. We could not be more in love with you.

You have a light in your eyes from the moment you wake up until you finally give in to bedtime every single day. You are just such a joyous little girl, and your energy and your smile are contagious, both to those who love you and see you often, and to those who meet you in public, or those who rarely see you but follow up with you on here. You have a newfound way of making yourself laugh, maybe for attention, but once you get yourself going it is impossible not to laugh along with you. It brings such joy to our home, and your Daddy and I are so lucky to live in a space filled with laughter. We smile and laugh with you every single day.

You still love Lainey more and more all the time. You have taken to sharing her pillow with her, and the two of you can often be found snuggling when things get quiet. When Lainey shakes and her collar jingles, you recognize the sound and immediately say "Puppy" and head off to find where she is. In fact, "Puppy" is often the first word you say every morning. You are going to be a lover of dogs for your entire life I would imagine, and you will always look back on Lainey as your childhood best pal. I love that.

You are talking up a storm lately, and we can definitely understand Mama, Daddy, Puppy, Baby, Hi, and you sign "More".  You have many conversations with yourself and anyone who happens to be nearby, but none of us can understand much of it still. It sure doesn't stop you from constantly chattering away to your "babies" or to Lainey, and sometimes you seem so sure that you have just said the most important thing ever and how could we possibly not understand or even think of disagreeing?  Again, just another way that you keep us laughing every day. 

Speaking of your independence, you are no longer interested in your monthly chair photo, so I guess starting next month Mama will have to come up with another place to try and snag a semi-consistent shot of you! We wrangled Daddy in for this month so that we could at least give it our best shot, but you weren't even having that for long! Always on the move...maybe a little bit like your Mama there. 

While this day in 2012 is really all about you, I spent a lot of time reflecting on this day in 2011, when so much of it was also inherently about me, too. I remember the days and weeks leading up to that day with such anticipation of what you would be like, how you were going to enter our world, who you might look like, what your voice would sound like when you first cried. I remember so much about the details of your birthday, of my "Birth Day".  I remember the intensity of my labor and the work it took to bring you from inside my body to join us in this world.  I remember how heart wrenchingly terrifying it was to be wheeled away from you just minutes after I welcomed you into my arms, not knowing anything about what was about to come, and not letting myself believe that I wouldn't see you or Daddy again, but not being 100% sure, either. I was so scared of what I would miss. I knew that you and Daddy had each other, and that's how you both got through those next hours, but I was so afraid I wouldn't ever get to know more about you than the tiniest taste of you I had just been given.  I was afraid that I might wake up and hear that you would be an only child, because my uterus wasn't able to be saved. Luckily, those worst nightmares were no more than a few moments of panic, and our world didn't come crashing down.  But that experience, the very real fear that it all might have just vanished as quickly as it came into being, was enough to show me that I cannot take any days with you for granted. I must find quiet moments to cherish the very "you-ness" of you, every day, because it changes so quickly and before I can blink you're turning a corner and learning and growing before my very eyes.  And instead of being sad about the baby you aren't anymore, I know that I must be the luckiest mama alive to have such a perfectly wonderful little girl in her place.  Happy Birthday, Sweetest Norah Annabel. I am the luckiest.

All the Love in my Heart,
Mama