Wee bit of Mama Guilt

This mama is seriously sleep deprived, and sleep hunger a desperate woman makes.  I "caved" a few nights ago and decided to try giving Norah a small (4 oz) bottle of formula right before bed and then topping her off by nursing to sleep in an attempt to fill that baby belly enough to hold her over for a longer stretch at night. The first night, it seemed to work, and unless I am so ridiculously out of it that I don't remember waking up between 12:30 and 5 AM, my child slept for 4.5 hours without nursing. To anyone used to sleeping all night long, this probably sounds ridiculous. But, for someone accustomed to waking as often as every 45 minutes some nights, this was glorious. Night two, not really so great (up at 2:30 and 5 and up for the day about 6:45) but I have decided to keep trying the formula for a week and see if it makes any difference in breaking some of her less desirable sleeping habits at all. If it doesn't, maybe I'll put it aside and use it later.  But for the love, why do I feel so guilty for even using it at all?

The morning after I gave her the first bottle of formula, I couldn't help but feel like I had just given my baby the equivalent of sugar-laden cereal or ice cream before bed or something (not that I haven't regularly had both of those things myself, but that's neither here nor there, right?).  I went to one of my trusted breastfeeding resources online, www.kellymom.com for some advice about choosing the best kind of formula if and when one determines that they will supplement, and I'm not kidding the articles on there were SO anti-formula that I truly felt as if I had betrayed my child by letting her have anything but breastmilk, especially when I am not having supply issues or health issues, or any other "issues" related to actually feeding her enough calories for her to thrive. The issues I have are purely selfish - I need more sleep. Now, I understand, that's a kind of selfishness that at this point, 8 months later, that is acceptable to acknowledge and take care of, but when I looked at the ingredient lists on the various types of formulas (and not to mention the price tag on the organic varieties!) I felt nothing but guilt and shame about even considering it.

I know that our society is rightfully putting more emphasis on "breast is best" and the health benefits for both mom and baby from breastfeeding for a minimum of the first year of life. But I also know that there are many reasons why people choose (or need) to use formula and these babies grow and thrive and develop into healthy, smart, well adjusted kids just like kids who were breastfed until they could cut their own meat and learn to read.  I have conversations with parents at the hospital almost every week about cutting themselves some slack when their children medically require supplemental feedings in order to grow.  Logically, I understand that there is no reason that children who have any amount of formula suffer because of it. But why, oh why, when I stood in the Kroger self-scan checkout did I want to turn the can of Earth's Best Organic Formula around and pretend it was a can of coffee?  Not only did I feel publicly ashamed to be buying formula at all (albeit organic, 2x as expensive as run of the mill Similac or Enfamil), but I felt a personal sense of failing my child, even if in the smallest way.  Maybe it's just the exhaustion. Maybe it's living in "crunchy" Ann Arbor and reading too many articles like "One Bottle of Formula Won't Hurt; Or Will It?" that has planted the tiny seed of guilt in the back of my mind.  But nonetheless, I am struggling with balancing my desire to get just a few more blessed moments of sleep and doing what is best for my child. I guess I'm not really all that different from any other mother in the history of mothers, then, am I?

Time to take this twitching eyelid of mine to bed while the child sleeps through her formula-induced dream cycle, hopefully for the next few hours. Wish us all a quiet night :)

Norah Grows: 8 Months

Little Miss, you were 8 Months old on Christmas Day this year! What a special day to celebrate :) We are in the midst of moving into our condo, and so Christmas kind of snuck up on us this year, but we made it special and festive even if by last minute preparations! 

You loved scoping out the scene from Santa on Christmas morning - stocking, gifts in paper, gifts in bags, gifts in boxes...so much to look at and feel and crinkle and taste! You pretty much put everything in your mouth lately, and you got a Christmas tooth out of the deal this year! Third tooth to come in, your top left incisor, and you've been having more trouble with this one than you did with the bottom two.  

You cruise around furniture like a pro now, and there is no holding you back anymore!  If there is something you want, you cruise/crawl/shimmy your little booty over there at top speed.  You are so curious, and I think you have a bit of a mischievous streak as well! When one of us tells you no, you look over your shoulder, grin, and boogie even faster towards the forbidden object! 

You love bathtime, and this year bath toys seemed to be the big hit.  You got a set of stacking cups which are fun to play with in or out of the tub! 

You are learning so much about the things around you, and it's almost like we can watch the wheels in your head turning as you figure out what things do and how they fit together.  You also have a pretty strong sense of "object permanence" now, and you know when something is out of sight but you still want it.  Lainey's dog bowl is one example...you know you like to play in the water and try to sample her food (ick!) and even if we move you around the corner and out of sight, you cruise your little self right back if you want to! 

Christmas night we went to Grandma's house, and boy did you get spoiled! You weren't even sure what to make of all the things that were for you! You love your little piano and all the cute, cute clothes from your Grandma! 

You are babbling and "talking" more and more, and sometimes it's really starting to sound like you are saying "Mama" and "Dada".  I can't wait until we know clearly that you are using words to communicate with us, but I am not wishing away your babyhood just to get there sooner! 

Your biggest trouble right now is your night time sleep pattern. You are still in bed with us, and I love co-sleeping so much more than I ever would have imagined.  If someone had told me before you were born that I'd have you in our bed for your first year, I would have laughed and told them they were crazy.  But, that's where you sleep, and for you it works wonderfully.  The only problem with the arrangement is that you think being right next to mama means an all night, all you can eat buffet for nursing, and some nights you wake almost every hour to nurse. This is resulting in a very sleep deprived, exhausted mama. I have finally reached a breaking point, and we are starting to reign in your bedtime routine and try to "take back the night" so that we can all get a little more sleep.  I'm nowhere near ready to wean you completely, but I'm also aware that you are not nursing for satiety but rather for comfort many of the times you wake at night, and those are the feedings I'm looking to cut back on.  I'll update with progress if we see any soon! I'm reading the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" and so far, I find it very much in line with my thoughts on raising you, so I'm hopeful that some of the ideas from the book will help us improve our night times. 

You got to meet your Aunty Abby this holiday, and I'm so glad that she could finally hold you! She was here the week before you were born, and we were all hoping you would decide to arrive before she had to leave, but it wasn't meant to be.  Now, 8 months later, she finally got to see you in person! Can't wait for her to be a part of your life growing up!

Beauty, I am so in love with you and with being your mama. I cannot believe you will be a year old in 4 months. I am just enjoying the process of watching you grow and develop, and I know we are so lucky to have you and be able to say that you are ours.  I love you, Boo!