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Thursday, April 18, 2013

motherload

The word carries differing connotations depending on the words we use surrounding it. This week, to me, it best describes the weight I sometimes feel is carried in my heart, just by loving my child so fiercely. Motherload. The load of the emotions I have for my family is so great, so beautiful, and yet so completely overwhelming that when the world around us seems so ugly and uncertain, the load of my love can almost feel crippling. I'm not a religious person, and I don't even think I have a strong belief in whatever I might call my own spirituality...I generally feel that in raising my daughter I want to teach her through my words, my actions, that we treat one another with grace, dignity, love, and we will see the same in return. But then. Then, these things are proven wrong, again and again. Bombings, shootings, accidental explosions. Innocent people, doing the things they feel to be fulfilling, productive, loving, taken too soon. And sometimes, it just feels like too much for my mama heart to hold, this notion that I can't protect my child purely with love.  That even when I do the things I believe to teach her about good, the slinking shadow of hate may still show its face at any given moment.

I've read many bloggers' accounts and thoughts this week following the Boston Marathon bombings about parenthood in this world as we know it. I've been inspired, and brought to tears, and reminded that more than hate, there is love. And I have tried to let it prevail for myself this week, and not to let hate swirling around weigh down my heart. Last night after Norah was asleep, I laid my hand across her chest, feeling the strong, quick beats of her tiny heart. I was overcome by the feeling that from my own body came this perfect creature, so pure and full of promise, so very loved, and so vulnerable. How do we as mamas, carry on, knowing that these little beings we literally grew within our own bodies, are out in the world?  I know this is no unique plight, but rather one that I'm sure has weighed on the hearts of mamas for all of our existence.

Mama friends, how do you carry on? What do you talk to your children about if they are old enough to ask questions when things like this happen?  I feel like I'm needing my village right now, to share some of the Motherload.

2 comments:

  1. this resonated so deeply with me. I don't really have any answers for you - for either of us - but I do know that reading some of Mr. Rogers' writings always helps me during times like this. he's very good at helping you find hope and reason and meaning, especially when it comes to parenting. <3

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  2. Sigh. Oh, man . . . I wish I had answers for you! I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but I have the impression that is gets harder in ways. I realized last summer that I only have seven years left with Ashie until college. COLLEGE! Forget the financial fears of that - my baby will not be under my roof! WHAT?!? And, since it is now almost summer again, I am suddenly down to SIX years - PANIC! PANIC! PANIC! But . . . it'a also really fun seeing him choose his interests and develop his own set of thoughts and beliefs. I love all of this - even if it means that by seeing him grow and develop into this little man it means that he will also eventually leave my nest. So, perhaps this overwhelming love - this love that knows no match - is life's great, great gift. And just knowing that you feel the immense weight of this motherload, means that you are one fine mama. IMO. ;)

    Also . . . I miss you. :)

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