The one that comes after...

Most of the things I've read on the subject of pregnancy after miscarriage are meant to be reassuring. Most women go on to have healthy, normal pregnancies even after one ends sadly. But the way our society treats miscarriage, it's hard to talk about, and there are few articles that actually highlight the emotional toll it can take, not only at the time of the miscarriage, but long after. Into the next pregnancy. Perhaps even more anxiety arises when getting pregnant again, because all of the fears about the unknown resurface, and especially if there was not an identified cause of the loss.

I lost our second baby January 3, 2014. It was early, around 6 weeks. And at the time I brushed it off, telling myself it was best that it was over quickly, and I wasn't as attached. I hadn't known the sex. We hadn't thought of a name. We'd barely known about it, and then it was over. But as time went on, it settled in. A son or daughter we'd never know, not in this life. A sibling for Norah she'd never meet. A piece of us that would never join our family in this world.

I'm currently 10w2d with our 3rd pregnancy. And from the moment I saw two lines on the test this time, I felt afraid, anxious, worried. I worried about the possibility of it ending so soon, I didn't want to get attached to the idea of being pregnant again, let alone acknowledging that we could have another child in our family by the end of the year. I worried about all of the things that could be going wrong in the very earliest stages of development, right under my skin, and I'd have no control over the outcome. I was afraid to bond to the baby, because honestly I just assumed there was a greater than average chance that this one would end, too.  I was immediately aware of how tenuous the entire thing is, and how stressful and all consuming and terrifying pregnancy could be for me, given my experience the last two times. Then, the fears of another traumatic and life threatening delivery loomed over me as well. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want Matt to go through that again. I can't bear to think of Norah losing her mama, for something we could have chosen not to do again. I felt responsible for causing not only myself, but my family, potential grief and anxiety, for wanting to do this again, and for getting pregnant at all.

Fast forward to this week. We had our first prenatal appointment on Monday, my 32nd birthday. We talked about my history, reviewed my birth records and pathology reports and discussed risks of recurrence. We were able to see the baby on a quick ultrasound, and confirm a little beating heart and a fully formed teeny babe. It was a relief. The past 5 weeks of anxiety felt lifted, and I just felt a calm sense that this time would be different. This baby was here to stay. This baby, as surprising as it was to get here, this baby I wanted and needed to be in my arms eventually.

Then, Friday, my midwife called to discuss my lab reports. My glucose was normal, my A1c was normal, indicating the gestational diabetes is still at bay. But, I had tested positive for a rare antibody called the Kell antibody (my titre level is currently 128). I either acquired this through one of the multiple blood transfusions I had after the post-partum hemorrhage, or was sensitized through my pregnancy with Norah (if she is +Kell). Matt now needs to be tested, and if he is positive for the antigen (heterozygous would give 50% and homozygous would give 100% chance the baby will also have the +Kell antigen) we will need to transfer from the midwives to high risk for extensive monitoring. If the baby has the antigen, we will need to have ultrasounds and special dopplers done every 2 weeks to monitor for a condition called fetal hydrops and severe fetal anemia, both of which could be fatal either before or just after birth.

Essentially, it is similar (although more severe) to Rh incompatibility.  One difference is that with Rh factor incompatibility, there is a shot the mother can receive (rhogam) which greatly improves outcomes. There is no such treatment for the Kell antibody.  The Kell antibody in my blood crosses the placenta and enters the baby's body, and if the baby has the Kell antigen, my antibodies are essentially fighting off the baby.  It makes it difficult or impossible for the baby to create its own red blood cells. So, the baby could have a severe lack of red blood cells, and become significantly anemic, requiring intrauterine blood transfusions. One of the risks is that these babies are often delivered early, between 33-37 weeks, because the risk of doing further transfusions after that point outweigh the risk of early delivery.

This could all be a non-issue, if Matt tests negative for the antigen. From what I've read, about 45% of kell+ moms got the antibodies from a transfusion, and the other 55% were sensitized from a first pregnancy with a Kell+ baby. So, it's about a 50/50 chance that this baby will have the antigen. If it's negative, I believe we will still monitor serial titres on me throughout the pregnancy, and if they continue to rise there may still be a reason to monitor the baby for anemia. All we can do right now is wait. Have Matt's blood tested, and wait.

It makes me so sad and angry that I have another stressful condition to monitor, once again, in this pregnancy. My relief from Monday was fleeting, and all concerns I had about bonding to this baby have instantly gone out the window. I am now all-in. I want this baby to make it through this crazy thing, to be in our arms this winter, for Norah to meet and love and play with. It just seems unfair that one person should have such bad luck when it comes to pregnancy. Sure, I can GET pregnant. I only have a 50/50 record of staying pregnant so far. And I have a 0% batting average for uncomplicated, low-risk pregnancies. I feel like I am just not made for this. If this pregnancy ends in any other way than a baby we take home with us...I am not sure I'm ever doing this again. I don't know that my body is capable, and to be honest, I don't know that my heart is either.

I'm not a spiritual or religious person, but I believe in the power of shared strength. Please, if you wish, think good thoughts, pray if that's what you do, but send your good energy out into the universe for this one thing to go OK. For the test results for Matt to be negative, and for this to proceed as an uncomplicated, low risk pregnancy. It takes a village, doesn't it?

12w4d

Short post tonight, as I'm post-zumba and still pre-shower, but I wanted to get these scanned in for your viewing pleasure! We had our "First Trimester Screening" today, and got some wonderful ultrasound photos of baby! The tech said baby was cooperative and we hope it's going to stay that way :) So cool - it was flipping around and bicycle kicking its* little legs like ca-ray-zay!

Baby's profile - look at the little button nose (and my mom says those cheekbones)!

Profile - baby flipped sides and has a hand up by its* forehead

Foot - labeled as such. Toes pointing left, heel on the right

Baby showing its* leg moves - kicking! Also looks like the hand is in its* little mouth!

So there you have it :) Next pictures of Wee Smith will not be until 18-20 weeks (right around Thanksgiving) when we can hopefully find out the sex...but guesses welcome as always! I still have no feeling, and am even more confused after looking at these - thought I'd totally know after seeing it's profile, but no. Oh, and the heartbeat was 159 bpm today, right where it should be she said. Not only could we hear it, but we could see it beating away in there too!

Belly pics of me to come...not tonight, I'm just too sweaty and gross for ya'll to see :)

All the love,

T, M and baby S

*edited from the incorrect it's meaning "it is" or "it has" to the correct its, a possesive pronoun meaning "belonging to it". Blame the unforgiveable grammatical lapse on the baby...it doesn't know proper English yet. :)

Thank goodness for Friday, and 12 weeks

This week has been a long one, I'm afraid. Not because of any overwhelming badness, and not because I've really felt that terrible, but I'm just really glad it's Friday again. It's true, I'm not feeling great every day. In fact, some portion of most days I feel pretty darn pukey and gross...but it's all a reminder that my body is doing something amazing. Sometimes it's hard to remember when I'm sitting at my desk having yet another meal of Sprite and pretzels that the reason I feel this way is because I am busy, like, growing a human being! I think I might need to get one of these to remind myself from time to time :)

Yesterday marked 12 weeks...one week left of the first trimester. Baby is now just about 2 inches from head to rump (my favorite!) or about the size of a lime. He/she developed reflexes this week, like sucking and opening/closing fists and curling toes, and will squirm around if I poke on my belly (not that I can feel anything, but so I'm told...). We didn't get it together and get a photo last night, but I'll do it tonight! I think I've pretty much rounded the bend and will be leaving non-maternity pants behind for a while. Which means I have shopping to do!

We have our first trimester screening appointment on Monday - we will have an ultrasound and get to see baby Smith again, so rest assured that photos will follow! The screening combines a blood test and ultrasound to measure a risk profile for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 13 and 18. I have a good feeling that all is well, but it will be nice to have peace of mind and reassurance.

In other news, it's baby's first Michigan - MSU game this weekend! Go Blue!

11 Weeks

2 more weeks left in the first trimester! Can't believe we're about 1/3 of the way there...

We had an appointment with the CNMW today, and got to hear baby's heartbeat! They said it was between 166-170 beats per minute, which is right on track for this stage of development. Everything else checked out just fine today as well (blood pressure, my weight, etc) and we are scheduled for an ultrasound on October 11 to assess risk markers for Down Syndrome and the Trisomies. I don't have any real concerns that any of that is going to be high risk, but I am looking forward to having another chance to see baby and get some updated photos to share!

Speaking of photos, I do have a belly update! The update is, regular pants really just don't fit any longer...I broke down and bought some maternity pants tonight. I am looking forward to lounging in elastic waisted bliss for the next 6 months or more, though, so it's not so bad!

I'm cautiously crossing my fingers that the past few days are an indication that some of the nausea may be subsiding...it was pretty constant and unpleasant during 9 and 10 weeks, but I'm feeling a bit better the last 2-3 days it seems. I am however eating my weight in smoothies - I told Matt this child is probably going to hate smoothies by the time he or she can eat semi-solid food! But at this point, I'm going to go with whatever works and sounds at least minimally appetizing!

10 Weeks

My weeks turn over on Thursdays, so today is 10 weeks on the dot. I have not been great about getting weekly pictures of the belly, but honestly it's not very cute to look at these days! In general it seems to be getting thicker and possible a bit rounder, but more in a That chick might wanna work out a little more, or go ahead and lay off the Dairy Queen kinda way, at least to the casual observer. That said, I'll see if I can get Matt to take some tonight after work, to document the current state of things bellyish.

For the first few weeks, I thought maybe I'd breeze through this whole first trimester thing without too much of a problem...little to no nausea, some tiredness, but nothing a nap or two couldn't fix, and otherwise nothing much to show for the fact that my body is busily growing the beginning of a person. But, about a week ago I think the hormones may have started to peak, and I feel much more like a 1st trimester pregnant person might...more consistent nausea, both at the beginning and the end of the day, total exhaustion (in the I may have taken a nap in my office the other day, or fallen asleep outside on the bench waiting for Matt to pick me up at the end of the day kind of way), and one episode so far of actually puking :(. At least I know this means things should be going as expected, and I keep reminding myself that many a pregnant woman has it FAR worse, so I should be thankful this is all there is so far.

I am very excited that today is the first day of autumn - as you all probably know it's my absolute favorite season, and even though it is forecasted to be 90 degrees today, I'm feeling like the season is changing in front of my eyes. Last night there was a large harvest moon rising in the sky, and our pumpkins were finally ready to be picked from the vines. Driving into work this morning (albeit a frustratingly long trek today with traffic) we could see that the fields of corn are browning out, and the soybean plants are taking on a beautiful golden color, which was gorgeous in the early morning misty sunlight. My personal goal for the end of this week is to get outside with my camera and document some of this beautiful season unfolding in front of me. I've put it out there, and hopefully I will hold myself accountable! Pictures to come :)

Anyone have any favorite fall recipes they are excited to make? It just may be the one and only thing that sounds good to me on a given day, so share! And think of the baby :)

xoxo,
Tanya

First Ultrasound!!

We had our first ultrasound today, as the title suggests :) According to the measurements (and my own calculations which I assume to be quite accurate if I do say so myself...) she determined we are at 8 weeks today actually. Baby has a strong fast heartbeat, and everything looked great! So the new due date is 4/21/11. I like it! Here are some pics of our offspring :)

Top pic: Head on the right, limbs all out

Bottom pic: head to the left

So anyway, that's the main update for today! Not feeling super ambitious about the writing tonight, so this is what there is! She wants me back in 3 weeks, so we'll get to listen for the heartbeat again then!

Football Saturday!

8 Weeks

Yesterday was the Michigan season opening game at the Big House, and baby Smith was along for the tiring ride. We tailgated with some work friends of Matt's before the game, and then got to the stadium early for all of the "Rededication Game" festivities. All that walking made me short of breath, so we had to take frequent breaks just to rest...who knew something the size of a raspberry would take it out of me? I even got a few pics, so for your viewing pleasure here you go.

Tailgating

We walked over to the section where we had tickets Senior Year - such a great place to watch the game! And you can maybe, just maybe, see the beginnings of a "baby bump". Or maybe it is just from the previously mentioned tailgating.

Belly Shot from before the game, and before tailgating. It was never super flat to begin with, but I can't suck it in any more!

I have plans to do a more creative maternity photo series but I haven't quite figured out what I want to do, so stay tuned. Check this blog out - his 2 series are tabbed at the top. http://pacingthepanicroom.blogspot.com/ Of course I'm nowhere near as talented, nor will I be taking my own shots, but I'd love to have something creative to look back on this time. We'll see what I can come up with...

love to you all,

Tots & Baby GB (that's Gummy Bear for this week)

Dinner options

Tonight's dinner ended up being:

- one soft serve ice cream cone

- a handful of pringles, original flavor

- one bite of pork tenderloin, which, *Gag

- cooked carrots with brown sugar and butter

- a bowl of mashed potatoes with melted cheese

- a glass of milk

I guess I wasn't going for a totally well rounded list of food groups, but I'll take whatever sounds minimally appetizing!

Still no pics - will work on that this weekend, especially since it's the first home Michigan game! GO Blue! You better believe this little peanut will know his/her roots!

Breaking the news

Well, I've been meaning to get a blog up and running to keep our nearest and dearest abreast of the goings on in our lives, and this seems like as good a time as any! We have slowly been leaking the news that Matthew and I are going to be parents sometime in April 2011! At this point, the due date is April 16, 2011, but it's still early enough that that is subject to change. I have been feeling pretty well overall until this week (7wks 5days today) and in general my primary "symptom" is just fatigue. I sleep so much! I do have some passing waves of minor nausea, but nothing that has me running for the BR or anything, so thank goodness for that! We have an appointment scheduled with our Certified Nurse Midwife on 9/9/10, and hopefully we will get to see the little gummy bear on ultrasound then!

I will most likely post the "belly bump" pictures as there is something to see, but for now there's just not much to look at! I need to rope Matt in to take some pics soon, though, so I can remember what I once looked like before things get crazy :)